what a doozie...

So, alas. student teaching has started. I have just finished my fourth week with students. and enjoying every, well almost every, minute of it! Quite honestly, I love going to school and teaching the kids. I find myself a little sad when I have to come home. weird, I know. but then friday happened and well let's just say something brown and stinky hit the fan.

So my co-op teacher told me that he was going to videotape me and give me the whole rehearsal for both junior and senior high bands. i was cool with it. fine whatever. we have to reflect as teachers in order to learn. well needless to say, the junior high rehearsal was just not good. we were reading a new piece, and it was challenging. i had never looked at it, and i wish i had before this day. anywho, the students were defiant and rehearsal was a little hostile and just all around disastrous. so it was time to go, and i let the kids go. i was so frustrated. i felt like a failure. I didn't know whether i should be angry or just cry. so my teacher and i sat and talked about what happened. let me just say, a videotape doesn't lie. so as some of you know, i'm not very good at hiding my feelings. and here's what went down. they were frustrated, which was making me frustrated, and then i was taking my frustrations out on them. i didn't mean to in any way. My pace was unnecessarily fast, and felt extremely rushed. part of it was because of the filming. i hate watching videos, seeing pictures, etc etc of myself so it only added to my stress level. and also i have been fighting a nasty cold and felt sick and pukey all morning. But please understand that in no way am I defending my shortness with the group. so i had to watch the video, thankfully by myself, and thankfully in a room by myself with a comfy chair and a box of tissues.

so nevertheless, i was very disappointed. i was soooo negative nancy in that rehearsal that i would not have wanted to sit through that rehearsal as a student, so i cant blame them for acting up. plus, the whole rehearsal, i never said one thing positive. and when i was trying to give a compliment, it came across negatively. I also re-realized that my conducting is sub par. no, a conductor should not be a glorified metronome, but at the same time, nor should they go crazy a la leonard bernstein(even though he is quite entertaining). so what is the role of the conductor? my understanding, and what i have forgotten, is that the role of a conductor should be one in which they embody the music be played. you should be aiding the students or performers in understanding the story behind the music and the emotions surrounding it. so now being ever so humble, this is something that i lack severely. but why? i have witnessed conducting for the last 10 years of my life. why can i not emulate this? yes it has to do with lack of experience. nothing is more humbling and frustrating than when an experienced veteran can bring a whole new light to a piece just because they made one facial expression or changed the style of one cue. I think another reason is just stepping outside of my comfort zone. my comfort bubble has been good to me, and yes, i love new exciting things. for some reason, i revert and retreat back to this. This will be something that i will be working on feverishly to overcome this semester. so thankfully, my high school rehearsal went swimmingly. it was like watching another person teach. honest to goodness. and of course, nothing else makes a bad day turn around like teaching 5th graders and getting to play baritone and bass drum. i love playing baritone. I do not know why. it just rocks.

so the real question is, how do i fix this? do i go as far as trying to take private conducting lessons? i really don't know. all i know is that something needs to be done and soon too. i do not wish to feel as i did after that rehearsal, ever again. i almost feel like i need to apologize to those poor kids. they didn't deserve my crappiness that day.

oh and speaking of leonard bernstein..if you are in need of a good chuckle, please go on youtube and search him conducting overture to candide. you will definitely have a good laugh.

hope all is well!
~Katie